if you could only see
by The Local Black and Liz
Summary: Jesse decides that Suze needs someone alive, and takes Paul up on his offer of exorcism, only to be offered the chance to go back to 1850. madness ensues as we see paul beaten up, and Suze and Jesse travel on their way to happiness.... hopefully
1. if you could only see

_If you could only see the way she loves me_

_Then maybe you would understand_

_Why I feel this way about our love_

_And what I must do_

_If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says_

_When she says she loves me_

_Well you've got your reasons_

_And you've got your lies_

_Any you've got your manipulations_

_You cut me down to size_

_Say you know_

_But you don't_

_You think you love but you won't_

_If you could only see the way she loves me_

_Then maybe you would understand_

_Why I feel this way about our love, and what I must do_

_If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says_

_When she says she loves me_

_See the road less traveled_

_Shows happiness unravel_

_And you got to take a little turn_

_To keep what you love_

_Oh this is what you gotta do_

_You say you love but you don't_

_You think you love but you wont_

_Stretching out your arms for something that's just not there_

_You say you know where you stand in your heart but you can't_

_If you could only see the way she loves me_

_Maybe you would understand_

_Why I feel this way about our love_

_And what I must do_

_If you could only see how blue her eyes can be_

_When she says _

_When she says she loves me_

_You say you love but you don't_

_You think you love but you wont_

_Its in your eyes_

_You say you know where you stand in your heart but you can't_

_If you could only see the way she loves me_

_Maybe you would understand_

_Why I feel this way about our love_

_And what I must do_

_If you could only see how blue her eyes can be_

_When she says _

_When she says she loves me_

"**If you could only see", by tonic. **

_Susanah. My querida. I want to stay with her, but I know its wrong. She deserves someone better. Someone alive. As much as I hate to say it, Slater's right. She should be with someone like him, someone who can give her everything. But at the same time I hate to think of Susannah being with anyone other than me. I am being selfish. I should let her go..._

I went to Father Dominic early on Monday.

"I just don't know what I should do, Padre. I love her. I want to stay with her, but I know it's wrong."

"You're right, Jesse, its unnatural for you to stay with Susannah. But I cannot allow you to have yourself exorcised, either."

I was going to go to Slater that day, after I left the padre. Forgive me, Lord, but I cannot just stand by and watch Susannah go on and be with someone else. So, I said goodbye, and prepared myself to make a pact with the devil.

"So, Jesse, what can I do for you today? Broken nose, exorcision, send you back to your time?"

He was joking, but I guess the look on my face told him I wasn't. his tone changed, and he suddenly got very serious.

"What? You can't be serious! You want me to exorcise you, when you've just won Suze? Why?"

"First, I am serious. Second, Susannah is not something to be won. Thirdly, she deserves better than me. She deserves someone alive. Someone who can give her everything. Someone she can introduce to her family, someone she can flaunt."

"If you're completely sure that you want to do this, I'll help you. Firstly, I need to know. Do you want to be exorcised, or do you want to go back to 1850?"

Was he serious? Could I really go back home? See mi mama? My sisters? My father? Dios! But I would not be with Susannah. I would get to see my family, but I would never get to introduce my sisters to Susannah, she would never be mine. But I would always think of her. She would always on my mind.

"I'm positive, Slater."

"OK, but if Suze kills me, I'm coming after you."

And so, I met him later, at his house. And he said something that was probably ancient Egyptian. A portal opened, and I stepped through. When I reached the other side, I recognized where I was immediately. I was at Susannah's house, but its version in 1850. It was the day of my murder. I was going to have to watch my back, but I was alive. I took a deep breath, loving the sensation. If only mi querida was here. We could live happily ever after.

That night, I went to bed, but I had hidden a dagger under my pillow, ready for Diego. Later that night I heard my door open. It was Diego. As I lay there, waiting for him to strike, I thought of Susannah. I loved her so much. I missed her so much. I wished so hard that she could be here with me. I felt Diego's hands wrap around my neck. My eyes shot open, and I reached for my dagger. I got in a good swipe at him, before he drew out a gun. He pointed it at me, and I stood there, shocked. As I began to calm down, I resigned myself to death. I wasn't going to be with Susannah. What was the point? I stood there, and waited. But the shot never came. Time seemed to stop. The most beautiful woman stood before me. Beautiful brown hair, gorgeous green eyes. I knew this person... "Susannah?"

Random Mitch Hedburg moment of bliss:

I had a cheese grater once. But that's the good name for it. Its really a sponge ruiner. I used to have a sponge, but then I tried to clean it. And I ended up with little bits of sponge, that would melt easily over tortilla chips.

I like blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.


	2. only one

Broken this fragile thing now  
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces  
And I've thrown my words all around  
But I can't, I can't give you a reason

I feel so broken up (so broken up)  
And I give up (I give up)  
I just want to tell you so you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you  
You are my only one  
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do  
You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down  
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long  
Ran my whole life in the ground  
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

And something's breaking up (breaking up)  
I feel like giving up (like giving up)  
I won't walk out until you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you  
You are my only one  
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do  
You are my only my only one

Here I go so dishonestly  
Leave a note for you my only one  
And I know you can see right through me  
So let me go and you will find someone

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you  
You are my only one  
I let go, but there's just no one, no one like you  
You are my only, my only one  
My only one  
My only one  
My only one  
You are my only, my only one

-"Only One By" Yellowcard

_I know he's staying at the rectory now, but I haven't seen him for such a long time. Even after the first time he kissed me, he still came around. I thought we were happy. I guess I was wrong. Unless the son of satan got to him. God, I'll kill him if he did anything to Jesse. (A/N: and I know we would too, wouldn't we, girls?? Ok...) If Father Dom doesn't know where he is, I guess I'll have to pay a little visit to our friend Paul, and "ask" him if he's seen Jesse._

I arrived at Father Dom's office at the rectory, and got straight to business.

"Why hello Susannah, how are things today?"

"They're.... ok, I guess. Have you heard from Jesse?"

"Why, no. but he did come to see me a few days ago.... Seemed to think he wanted to be exorcised."

I tore out of that room once I hared that word..... _exorcised_. Would he really want to leave me? I saw him wandering the halls, and I just stopped thinking, I was so mad. I pushed him up against the wall, but, before I could get a word in edgewise, he had to go and open up that mouth of his.

"Well, Suze, happy to see me, I guess?" he was smirking, but a slap across the face rid us all of that problem.

"What the hell did you do with Jesse?" I hissed, although I didn't say hell... ahem.

"Well, everyone's favorite Spanish pirate needed a favor, and I just helped him."

"If you exorcised him, I swear to god I will castrate you and send it to sister Ernestine."

"Hey, he _wanted_ to be exorcised, but I didn't... I sent him back to...........1850."

SLAP!! Even my hand hurt from that, and my hand was pretty strong from slapping buttmuch ghosts. I made sure he wouldn't be able to sit for a while, half fulfilling my promise, and hissed in my scariest voice ever.

"You wanted shifter lessons, you got it. NOW... You are going to teach me RIGHT NOW how I am going to go back to 1850, and bring Jesse freaking BACK!!" yet again, did not day freaking... ahem. And so, we got to work.

That night, after getting my lesson from Paul, who still seemed kinda scared of me, I formed the portal, just how Paul told me how. I stepped through, and saw one scary sight. Jesse, standing, by his bed, with a dagger. And Diego. With a gun. But then, I heard Jesse say something, with the most amount of surprise in his voice I have ever heard...

"Susannah"

(A/N: I could be evil and leave you right here, but I don't know, maybe because I got my first two reviews today.. I will)

I went straight into mediating action. Two swift kicks to the guys head, and he was out. Jesse called the sheriff, and while we waited, I had some questions to ask.

"Jesse??"

"Querida?"

"Why?"

and so, the chapter ends....

Random moment of Mitch Hedburg Bliss-

You know whats a really bad buzzkill? A Bear. One day, my friends and I were in the forest, because its much less likely for you to run into a law enforcement official in the woods. But then we ran into a bear. What a buzz kill. Because I look over and my friend is raising his right hand, promising to help prevent forest fires. And then, when we got out, he put his arm around me an d said "Mitchell, Smoky is way more intense in person"


	3. The tension and the terror always on my ...

All the boys voices cracking

Oh the moaning half tones

Come summertime

We're all the same age, here

All the tension and the terror

Thin limbed gorgeous green eyes smiling

And I'm going straight to hell

All the possibility and promise just

Weighs on me so heavily

And I try but I'm not convincing

Your lips they pout and twist

And I die trying just to keep myself from kissing you

You take in everything with a certainty I envy

It's somehow all I need just keep me guessing please

Oh darling all of these awkward jumpstart stalling conversations

Mean much more to me than anything

So it comes down to me and you

And whether we're supposed to or not

We still will

We're so much better off than them

All the possibility and promise just

Weighs on me so heavily

And I try but I'm not convincing

Your lips they pout and twist

And I die trying just to keep myself from kissing you

You take in everything with a certainty I envy

It's somehow all I need just keep me guessing please

A look

A laugh

A smile

A second

Passes by and I regret it

Words just aren't right

Sometimes I can t explain

All the ways you devastate me

Always on my mind

I try but I'm not convincing

Your lips they pout and twist

And I die trying just to keep myself from kissing you

You take in everything with a certainty I envy

It's somehow all I need just keep me guessing please

Try but I'm not convincing

Your lips they pout and twist

And I die trying just to keep myself from kissing you

You take in everything with a certainty I envy

It's somehow all I need just keep me guessing please!

The tension and the terror by straylight run

"Why?"

"Why, Querida? Because you deserve better, you deserve better than me, some dead cowboy/pirate." It hurt so much to say these things, not because my heart was being ripped out of my chest and being stomped on, but because it reminded me of our first meeting. She had called me a vaquero, and I had, how would Susannah say it, flipped. Yes, but, now, I would give anything to hear mi querida say anything.

"Did I not already explain this to you in the graveyard? I don't deserve, need or want anyone but you!"

"But, you could have anyone, you could have Slater, any other boy at your school. You know, you may not think this yourself, but you are extremely beautiful, querida." Mi Dios! Did I just say that? _I_ know she's beautiful, and so does every other man, but I have never been so forward, well, maybe except for the time she exorcised herself for me, but that was different. No, don't you go laughing at me. Wait, who am I talking to? I'm beginning to sound like Susannah!

"_You_ think I'm beautiful, Jesse?"

I was saved from having to answer that when the sheriff came into the room. Gracias, dios, gracias! ( _A/N: tis so hard to try and think up all these little things in Spanish, when I take French, I keep on wanting to write merci and vache and all that schtuff.) _

We explained everything we could to the sheriff. Susannah told him she saw a man going into my room and had come to see what was going on, when she saw the gun and helped me out. And so, with little else to do, I had a proposition.

"Querida?"

"Hmmm, Jesse?"

"Uuhh, this is rather awkward to ask, but if you don't have anything better to do while in 1850 California…. Would you like to come home with me?"

(a/n: haha, I could be oh so awful, and just end it here, but I might just be nice due to my very late update)

"You really mean it? You want me to meet your family? Your mother, your sisters, your father, your ranch? Wow... of course! Unless of course you were just saying that to be nice, and you don't really want me to come. In that case I would just hang around here, but if you really want me to co-" I had to shut her up somehow! _(haha clue!)_ and I know what your thinking, and I didn't shut her up THAT way.

"Susannah! Susannah, you're babbling. I only got bits and pieces, but I think it was a yes." And, so, we set off, but I had to take care of a few things first. Susannah had come back in her regular clothes, and she really couldn't meet my family in that. So, we took a stop off at the local market, to get a dress for her. After Susannah indignantly asking me what was wrong with her clothes, she finally consented. I have my ways. NO, not those ways, I just promised her I'd try to get one with as small of a hoop-skirt as possible, I knew how she felt about them. Finally, Susannah found one that fit her tastes. When she came out of the dressing room, I gasped.

"Do you- do you think its ok?"

I couldn't believe this woman! The dress looked absolutely beautiful on her. It was emerald green, the same color as her eyes, and it showed all of the good, wonderful things about mi querida. The square neckline, the way it came in at the waist, the lack of hoops… well, that was what Susannah liked about it, and I did too. It was just her, no frills, no lace, it was Susannah in her natural beauty. _(A/N: AAAHHHH! Can you tell I'm a girl, and therefore like clothes? And, also the fact I can't write male parts for shiznit…) _

After getting Susannah's dress, we set off, Susannah riding one of my spare horses, while I rode my own. As we approached my house, she began to quiz me on my family.

"What are your sisters' names?" "What is your mother's name?" "What is your father's name?" I explained about my sisters, there is Angela, the oldest at 16, then there was Esperanza, 14, Magdalena, 10, Josefina, 6, and then Isabelle, 3. "My mother's name is Beatríz, and my father's name is Ricardo. Mi abuela lives with us also, and her name is Juana."

"That is one large family, and I thought my family was huge."

I told her about the ranch, and how my favorite sister was Isabelle because she's the cutest. But, by then we had reached my ranch, and it was time to make introductions. When my sisters saw me riding up, Magdalena, Josefina and Isabelle all came running out, asking hundreds of questions, and not seeming to stop for breaths.

"Jesse! Jesse! You're home!" "What are you doing here, what about the wedding?" "Who's the girl? She's pretty!" "Jesse! One of the cows had a calf!" and on and on and on and… well, you know. "Calm down, calm down! Come inside and let me talk to mother and father and I will explain everything."

Inside, my parents were equally interested in my return, but, initially, it was not a good interested.

"Hector! How dare you shame us and back out of your wedding, and return home, with another girl, who is she Hector, and where is Maria?"

"Excuse me, I'm very sorry to interrupt, but I feel there is an explanation in order. I have never met your son before last night, when he was almost **murdered** in his sleep." Susannah stepped in, never the one to allow injustice. Dios, she dated Micahel Meducci just to keep him safe. And then he tried to kill her family, but that's another story, another book. _(an:hehe!!!)_

"Is this true, Jesse? Were you hurt? Who was it? Were they captured?"

"No, I was not hurt, thanks to Susannah, it was Felix Diego, and yes, we had him arrested, and that is why I am home, and not getting married to the secret lover of who tried to kill me."

"Well, Susannah, I believe we owe you an apology, and hopefully you will agree to stay with us for a while, for we owe you so much, for saving our son." Susannah accepted, and I was glad she wasn't going away so quickly. And then, Mama called in my sisters, and things got really interesting. "Angela, Esperanza, Magdalena, Josefina, and Isabelle, I would like for you to meet Susannah-"

"Simon, Mama, Susannah Simon."

"Yes, Susannah Simon, a friend of your brother's. I hope Jesse has been very nice and has not made you regret your actions, miss Simon."

Suze's POV

All the boys voices cracking

Oh the moaning half tones

Come summertime

We're all the same age, here

All the tension and the terror

Thin limbed gorgeous green eyes smiling

And I'm going straight to hell

All the possibility and promise just

Weighs on me so heavily

And I try but I'm not convincing

Your lips they pout and twist

And I die trying just to keep myself from kissing you

You take in everything with a certainty I envy

It's somehow all I need just keep me guessing please

Oh darling all of these awkward jumpstart stalling conversations

Mean much more to me than anything

So it comes down to me and you

And whether we're supposed to or not

We still will

We're so much better off than them

All the possibility and promise just

Weighs on me so heavily

And I try but I'm not convincing

Your lips they pout and twist

And I die trying just to keep myself from kissing you

You take in everything with a certainty I envy

It's somehow all I need just keep me guessing please

A look

A laugh

A smile

A second

Passes by and I regret it

Words just aren't right

Sometimes I can t explain

All the ways you devastate me

Always on my mind

I try but I'm not convincing

Your lips they pout and twist

And I die trying just to keep myself from kissing you

You take in everything with a certainty I envy

It's somehow all I need just keep me guessing please

Try but I'm not convincing

Your lips they pout and twist

And I die trying just to keep myself from kissing you

You take in everything with a certainty I envy

It's somehow all I need just keep me guessing please!

The tension and the terror by straylight run

"Angela, Esperanza, Magdalena, Josefina, and Isabelle, I would like for you to meet Susannah-"

"Simon, Mama, Susannah Simon."

"Yes, Susannah Simon, a friend of your brother's. I hope Jesse has been very nice and has not made you regret your actions, miss Simon."

Angela _(pronounced Anhela, and Josefina is pronounced hosefina)_ was a very pretty girl, one of those girls who you always hate because they don't even try to be pretty. Esperanza was much the same, and Magdalena, Josefina and Isabelle were very cute, and from the way Isabelle stared at me from behind her brother's leg, I could tell why she was Jesse's favorite. They all stared at me like I was some alien object, before Isabelle came and tugged on my skirt.

"Hello, Susannah, you're much prettier than Maria, I'm glad Jesse likes you."

"Well, hello Isabelle. Thank you, but I don't think I know anyone named Maria, but I'm glad all the same you think I'm prettier than her. But, between you and me, I think you are the prettiest of all." I whispered the last part, and picked Isabelle up. She was just like one of those porcelain dolls, so cute, but I don't think she was as delicate. I think she and I have very much the same spirit. She didn't squirm when I picked her up, and then I began to laugh. This family was so much the opposite of my own, and so I told them.

"In my family, there are three boys, I'm the only girl, very different from this family, although I think I deserve more pity than Jesse, him having to live with so many beautiful women!"

"Where is your family, Susannah?" Mrs. de Silva asked.

"Oooh, my family doesn't live anywhere near here, they all live in New York, the land of smog and dirt, but it is my home, and I love it all the same. I live there with my mother, and my step father and brothers. My father, Peter Simon, died when I was nine, from a heart attack. I tell you, getting used to living with a 19, 16, and 9 year old brother is hard."

"I'm very sorry about your father, Susannah. But, in a lighter mood, knowing Jesse, you haven't had anything to eat since this morning, have you?" Seeing the guilty look on both Jesse and my faces, she said, "well, we were just getting ready to eat when you surprised us. How about you come and help me, Susannah, and you, Jesse, can go and get Abuela, and explain everything."

In the dining room, I helped Mrs. de Silva set the table. "So, what brings you to Carmel all alone, Susannah?"

"Well, Mrs. de Silva, I came out to visit an old family friend, Father Dominic. He lives at the mission out in Carmel, and so I was staying at the boarding house. I was not supposed to stay so very long, but the man who drove me from the train station was not a very honorable man, and rode off with my luggage as I disembarked. So, I have been living on the very generous offerings of father Dom, with only the clothes on my back and my small amount of money in my purse for essentials. Oh, I'm, very sorry, I shouldn't be weighing you down with my sad story."

"Nonsense, you have suffered a great deal. And please, call me Beatriz."

"Beatriz, that is a very pretty name. Thank you very much for your hospitality."

"Well, we owe you a great deal for saving our son. You did a very brave thing, Susannah, Felix Diego is not a moral man, and he would not have had any qualms about killing you.'

"I didn't do anything great, I think Jesse would have done all right had Felix not had a gun. And I guessed as much about his character from the fact that he waited until Jesse was asleep to kill him." And the fact that he had previously thrown me off the roof of my house, but I didn't mention that. "And all I did was kick him in the head, and, if you do not remember, Beatriz, I was born in New York, not meaning any disrespect."

"Of course. New York must be a very scary place. But, what I will tell you, is that I can be very scary on my own, and if you do anything to hurt my son, you will seriously regret it."

WHOA! What happened to nice Mrs. de Silva? Ok, I'll bite. "I do not intend to hurt your son, he is a very nice person, and I owe him more than you would ever know, he saved me more than I did. And I can never repay you, or him for the kindness you have shown me."

Everybody in this place

Get up and move away

For all I care this towns already dead and empty

I'm told that I'm the victim of obsession

That's what my friends say oh I'm a fool

For having ever let her tempt me

Well I turn pale

When she walks by

I am lost in her eyes

She is always on my mind

She is always on my mind

She glances over

But she keeps on walking down that street

All I can do is hope

That she is thinking of me

If I could blink if I could breathe

If I could get my legs to move

Well this could be the day I get this girl to love me

Well I turn pale

When she walks by

I am lost in her eyes

She is always on my mind

She is always on my mind

She had turned from a sound

Well I must have cried out loud

She is always on my mind

She is always on my mind

If I could blink if I could breathe

If I could get my legs to move

Well this could be the day I get this girl to love me

Well I turn pale

When she walks by

I am lost in her eyes

She is always on my mind

She is always on my mind

She had turned from a sound

Well I must have cried out loud

She is always on my mind

She is always on my mind

"**Always on my mind" by Phantom Planet!! (Best group ever, after the Beatles, of course)**

**Jesse's POV:**

"I do not intend to hurt your son, he is a very nice person, and I owe him more than you would ever know, he saved me more than I did. And I can never repay you, or him for the kindness you have shown me."

I heard my mother and Susannah talking as they bustled around the dining room, setting the table and getting drinks. When I heard Susannah say that, I recognized the hidden meaning in those words. She thinks that I saved her, and I guess I did. The angels, Heather, Marcus Beaumont. But does she realize how much she did for me? She made me feel alive. She DIED for me. And I can never repay her for that. I entered the kitchen, and when Susannah looked up and saw me, I saw a certain gleam in her eyes. It was different from anything I have ever seen. It was a mix of one I have seen so many times, one of true happiness. The other was one I saw in my mother's eyes, in Susannah's mother's eyes. One of love. Did she really love me? I know she said it before, but I could not allow myself to think she was telling the truth. But, now I knew and it was the best feeling ever.

"So, mama, have you been making Susannah regret saving my life with horrible stories about me?"

"No, I have not, but I wish I had thought of it. I have been learning about Susannah's life in New York, and the very sad story of how she came to be at the boarding house." I saw the very scary look Susannah shot at me before I opened my mouth to ask, and I resolved to ask her later. "She is a very nice girl, Jesse. We are very lucky you are not a ghost right now. Think of all the poor people who would have tried to stay in a room with a very volatile ghost sharing it with them."

Susannah laughed, and I held back my laughter at the fact that in some alternate universe I was a ghost, and Susannah was a poor person trying to live in that room. "Well, I don't know, Beatriz, I think Jesse would be a very helpful roommate. A very dull roommate, who would probably rather read Critical Theory Since Plato than bother anyone." Susannah looked at me as she said that, and I couldn't help but laugh.

"Now Susannah, Critical Theory Since Plato is a very interesting book. You should try reading it sometime."

"I've seen enough of that book in my lifetime, and I think that it's only use would be to hit someone over the head with. Had you had it last night, you would have not needed my assistance."

"Yes, and had you had it, you would have not needed to kick Diego so many times."

"HEY! One minute, buster! I'm sure you don't want me to GO BACK IN TIME and stop myself from saving you, huh? And plus, Diego deserved it, trying to hurt someone, even if it was you, in their sleep. Not even some cowboy/ pirate deserves that, Mr. Rico Suave."

Susannah, my mother and I looked at each other for one minute, and we ended up bursting out laughing.

"Rico Suave? What was I thinking? Now, let me guess. You're going to get all upset and yell at me about how your family works hard but never as vaqueros?"

"You are quite right Susannah. How did you know?"

"My cat told me."

"You have a cat Susannah? Where is it?"

"Oh no, Mrs. de Silva. My cat is not in California, he lives in New York, on my window seat. His name is spike, and he is the ugliest thing I have ever seen." Now, I got mad at that. How could she insult spike like that. Susannah saw the look on my face, and laughed. "Did I say something to upset you? Do you have a soft spot for cats, or just ugly ones?" Susannah was saved from my wrath when my family came in, and she gave me an 'I win' look. Argh, she is so aggravating, but that is why I love her. Her spirit. We ate lunch, and it was the best feeling, being able to eat again, being able to be with my family, and being with Susannah. We had a big lunch after the excitement of the day. What would be called fajitas in Susannah's day. Abuela was very interested in Susannah.

"Ms. Simon, Hector says you come from New York. Tell me, what is it like?"

"Well, Mrs. de Silva, I lived in the city. There it is very crowded, so many people in the street. But then you find these places that are so nice and peaceful. Central park had to be my favorite place to go. Just to sit on one of the benches, and get lost in your own world, and forget everything, your fears, your worries, the fact that you have a half an hour to get home before your mother skins you alive, but you don't care. It's very nice, and I miss it sometimes. But Carmel is very beautiful, also. Looking out the window in the morning and seeing the entire valley below you, watching the fog evaporate into such a beautiful clear day. I'm sorry, I have a horrible habit of rambling on, please stop me next time."

"No, no. It is so wonderful to hear that you feel such love for your home, and for ours." Mr. de Silva insisted.

After lunch, I offered to show Susannah to her room. We came to the part of the house that housed the family. "I always resented the fact that my room was next to the guest room, but I don't think I will, anymore." We walked in, and I heard her gasp. It was a very pretty room, light blue with white trim and furniture.

"Now why couldn't Andy have decorated my room like this?" I showed Susannah to the wardrobe, and she met a very pleasant surprise. "Jesse, why are there all of these dresses in here? Surely they can't be for me?"

"Of course, Susannah, when you told my mother about how your dresses were all 'stolen' she insisted I give her your measurements, and she had one of the servants go into town and purchase these during lunch."

"But, I cannot accept them! I have done nothing for your family, and they are being so nice to me, and how am I to repay them?"

"But that's the point, Susannah! They don't want to be repaid. My family can surely afford to buy you some clothes. And, no need to worry, my mother knows about your dislike of hoop skirts, so these were very inexpensive indeed, as they are not the height of fashion. How scandalous!" she smiled, and I was so happy. And I told her so. "You know, querida, this was my only regret about my choice. That I would never get to see you again, and that you would never get to see my family, but now, I have all the really important people in my life with me, and if this is a dream, I hope I never wake up."

(_Should I end here, or should I not. I am not sure. I am going to go get a sweatshirt and a drink, and contemplate this life changing question. It's almost as deep as Jesse's last sentence is, and so, it is very, very important. Note the sarcasm…)_

_(I have decided to continue, and will end the chapter fully, and try to find a new song for the next chapter)_

"You do realize how incredibly corny you just sounded, right?"

"Querida, if you insist on making fun of me, please don't involve corn in it."

"How can you be so mean? Are you one of those guys who would sit at the back of the cafeteria complaining about the corn in his chilli? (_Princess diaries!)_ I never knew! Do your parents know? Have you gotten help? Because I know this great psychiatrist, who can get rid of your fear of corn. You want her number?"

"I'm not sure if you realize this, but this is 1850: there are no such things as cafeterias, psychiatrists, or phones. So, please, while you're here, please try to refrain from using your sayings that we all love so much, but do not understand. And, anyways, I want to hear this sad story of how you came to be in Carmel, Susannah."

"Ooh, I just told your mother that the guy who drove me from the station rode off with all of my things... kinda drew the experience from my dealings with everyone's favorite person, Mr. Slater. So, how bout you? What's up with the whole sister thing. Do they like me? Do they hate me? Do they care at all?"

"Yes, querida, they all like you. The younger girls think that you are pretty and nice, and the older ones want hair tips."

"Really?"

"Yes, really, now I think you want to change, so I will leave you now, but, just so you know, Isabelle is outside, playing with the dogs." Jesse winked, and left. What does that mean?

But, I did want to change, and change I did. I found this great light off white gown, which I then asked to make sure it was not a nightgown, and I tied my hair back, and went in search of Isabelle. I found he out front, like Jesse said, playing with two big black dogs. "Hi! Isabelle! What are you doing?"

"Oh! I'm just playing with Mike and Tad, here. How are you doing?"

"I'm doing just fine, you want to come sit with me? We can have girl talk."

"Sure!" She threw the stick one last time, and then came and plopped herself down next to me. "What do you want to talk about?"

"Well, what is New York like?"

"Well, what is there to say? It's really crowded there. But it's nice. It's almost too quiet and calm out here. I'm so used to hearing so many people yelling, and horses and babies crying. I miss my family. We used to go to this giant park, they called it central park, and it was really great. But, it's nice here, and you all are so nice. You've really embraced me, and I can never repay you for it."

"You know, Susannah? You really are pretty. You remind me of a girl I saw once, in a dream."

"What was in the dream, Isabelle? And you can call me Suze."

"Call me Belle, that's what Jesse does. And in the dream, I saw a girl, and Jesse in some room. She was asleep in her bed, and he was just looking at her, but then he said, "Goodnight, Querida. I love you."

"When did you have these dreams? When did they start?"

"Since Jesse left for his wedding. But they've been getting longer. Last night, I saw Jesse pass through a portal, then, you. So I just have one more question."

"Shoot."

"What's New York really like? Because I know that you've never been to 1850 New York, and you're the girl from my dream. So, what's new York like, and why was Jesse _glowing_ in my dream?"

_So, what do you think? You don't have to review, I'm not one of those authors who demand reviews in order for me to update. I'm sorry this was so late, but it was thanksgiving, and then we had to put my dog to sleep. 'twas sad. So, I'm sorry, and ill try to post more, once I figure out what I want to happen in the story for myself. So, I will not ask for reviews, but I would like some feedback. So, happy reading-_

Liz.

Known as wench, French ninja pirate, hey you, photocopy nazi, and many other things…

_**RANDOM MOMENT OF MITCH HEDBURG BLISS!!!**_

_**I hope when I move I'll get a really cool phone number, something like 222-2222, so, when my friends ask how they can reach me, ill just say 'press 2 for a while, when I answer, you know you have pressed it enough."**_

_**This shirt is dry clean only, which means, its dirty!**_

_**My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. When I turn on the light all these koala bears scatter, and I'm like hold on! Let me hold one of you! Why are koala bears all so far away from me, someone needs to ship one over and I will apprehend it. And hold it, and feed it a leaf and pat it on the top of its head… alright!**_

**_Now, go out, listen to Mitch Hedburg, Rooney, Phantom Planet, The Killers, Straylight Run, Sugarcult, Yellowcard, HelloGoodbye, Jet, Franz Ferdinand, Weezer, Gavin DeGraw, The Beatles, The Toadies, Tonic… and all that good schtuff!_**

_**Now, the important part, if you do review, tell me which song to use, and it shall change the plot of the story:**_

_**Buddy Holly- Weezer**_

_**Ocean Aenue- Yellowcard**_

_**Are You Gunna be my Girl?- Jet**_

_**Dear Jamie, Sincerely Me- Hellogoodbye**_

_**Shimmy Shimmy Quarter Turn- Hellogoodbye**_

_**Hey Now Girl- Phntom Planet**_

**_One Ray of Sunlight- Phantom Planet_**

_**Hey- Rooney**_

_**Stay Away- Rooney**_

_**If you listen to the songs, you can kinda figure out the way the story might go, so, if you want to, listen to them all, and choose your favorite. And I highly recommend all of these bands and songs. **_


	4. Buddy Holly Lonely Day

What's with these homies

Dissin' my girl?

Why do they gotta front?

What did we ever

Do to these guys

That made them so violent?

Oh Oh

But you know I'm yours

Oh Oh

And I know you're mine

Oh Oh

And that's for all time

OOH-WEE-OOH

I look just like Buddy Holly

Oh Oh

And you're Mary Tyler Moore

I don't care what they say about us anyways

I don't care bout that

Don't you ever fear

I'm always near

I know that you need help

Your tongue is twisted

Your eves are slit

You need a guardian

Oh Oh

And you know I'm yours

Oh Oh

And I know you're mind

Oh Oh

And that's for all time

OOH-WEE-OOH

I look just like Buddy Holly

Oh Oh

And you're Mary Tyler Moore

I don't care what they say about us anyways

I don't care bout that

BANG BANG

A knock on the door

Another big bang

Get down on the floor

Oh, no

What do we do?

Don't look now

But I lost my shoe

I can't run

And I can't kick

What's the matter babe are you feeling sick

What's the matter, what's the matter, what's the matter you?

What's the matter babe are you feelin' blue?

And that's for all time

OOH-WEE-OOH

I look just like Buddy Holly

Oh Oh

And you're Mary Tyler Moore

I don't care what they say about us anyways

I don't care bout that

Buddy Holly- Weezer

"What?"

"Ever since Jesse left to go marry Maria, I've had dreams of you and Jesse. But I don't recognize where you are, but I know that they don't take place in 1850. I want to know how you know my brother, I want to know who exactly you are, and why my brother was GLOWING. It's not normal for people to glow."

She seemed so distraught I just knew it was important I told her. "Okay, let's go find Jesse, and then he and I will try to explain as best I can, but there are things about this" I gestured to the world around me, "and you're brother even I don't understand."

To say that Jesse was surprised Belle's announcement would be a huge understatement. Let's just say, first time I grabbed his hand, yeah, that would be mild amazement now. So, Jesse told Belle about the alternate reality in which he died, and the long 150 or so years until I came, then I told my half of the story.

"Ok, to start off, I really am from New York. And, my dad did die. And, I DO have 3 step brothers. And I do have a cat. And yes, he is ugly. DON'T YOU GIVE ME THAT LOOK JESSE, YOU KNOW HE IS! Anyways, so, I moved to Carmel, in my time, about 2 years ago. In your time, it would be about oh, 150 years from now, but let's not get into that. Well, I moved into my room, and found that there was another inhabitant in it."

At this, Belle's eyes went wide. "You- you mean Jesse was in your room? But, wouldn't he be dead then? Is that why Jesse was glowing?"

"Yes to all counts, Belle. Yes, Jesse was in my room, and yes he was dead. You see I am what is called a mediator. I am on earth to help the souls of those who died with unfinished business go on to their next state of being. So, Jesse was there, and he was very aggravating at first, ordering me about and calling me stuff in Spanish I didn't understand. So I called him a dead cowboy, and he got mad. Said his family had worked hard but never as vaqueros. Then he proved useful in fighting this ghost Heather, who had killed herself because her boyfriend broke up with her. I found out who exactly Jesse was, and how he had 'mysteriously disappeared' before his wedding, then his skank fiancée went off and married some slave runner. Then, we had an understanding. I would change in my bathroom, and so we would never be placed in a compromising situation. Then, I thought this guys dad was a vampire, but then it turned out so did he. But then I found out that his brother was trying to off my, his nephew, and his brother to gain control of the company. And then these 4 kids who got killed by this kid, Michael, because his little sister got hurt at one of their houses tried to kill me, and Michael was put in prison. Gosh, I even had to go out with that creep to protect him… ick. Then come the most interesting time. First, I meet a little kid who's a mediator, his really cute older brother who ended up being the spawn of Satan, and then Maria and Felix Diego try to kill me because my step-dad is going to dig up Jesse's body, who they buried in the backyard after they offed him. And then Jesse gets exorcised because Maria told my little mediator 'friend' to. Then I have to exorcise myself to get Jesse back, and we are introduced to the fact that Paul Slater is a mediator, and obsessed with me. And to make everything so much better, Paul decides he wants to live in Carmel, and comes to my school. He then tries to make me like him and then tries to force himself on me. Jesse moves out because we kissed, and then there's the big fight everyone thinks Paul had with himself, but really with Jesse because Paul implied there was a little more going on between him and I than my hatred for him. In the process I ruin a perfectly good pair of Jimmy Choo's and I have to agree to take special mediator classes from Paul to keep him from exorcising Jesse. Then Jesse and I kissed in the graveyard where the tombstone I bought for him was. Then, Jesse goes and asks to be exorcised because I 'deserve better' when I don't want or deserve anything other than him, and instead he gets sent back here. Then I have to threaten to castrate Paul to make him send me back, and I walk in on Diego trying to shoot Jesse, so I kicked him in the head. And so, here we are."

Jesse and Bella stare at me, and I feel really stupid. I SAID EVERYTHING SLOW ENOUGH FOR YOU TO HEAR!!!! STOP STARING!!!!

"So….. You and my brother have some history. Wow. Ok, I don't think I needed to know everything you just told me, because now pictures of you kissing Jesse in a graveyard are in my head. And that is not good." I laugh and Jesse blushes and mumbles something in Spanish. Probably something about how Belle didn't have to know about us kissing, but for all I know, she could have had dreams about that, and then where would we have been? But, I was saved from more torture by Angela coming in to tell us that it was time for dinner. I guess our explanations took a few hours, because it was now dark out. At dinner, we all got some very interesting news.

"We got a letter today from the Prescott's. Apparently, they are having a party tomorrow night, and we are all invited. Of course, Susannah, you will be most welcome there, as you just did such a noble thing for our family." I tried to tell them that I did not do anything noble, but they just would not listen. And so, full and tired, it was time to go to bed.

That morning, I woke up to Esperanza trying to shake me awake. Susannah, Susannah! Come, Angela and I need your help. We cannot decide which dresses to wear and how to do our hair! Come, Angela is beside herself! Make haste! (_A/N: reminds me so of Pride and Prejudice…… ahhhh I love that movie. Mr. Darcy, So hot!_). I got out of bed, grumbling, and didn't even bother to put my robe on, it was too early. I followed my guide sleepily, not caring if anyone saw me like this. Jesse had seen me in my bathing suit, for goodness sake. When we got to Angela's room, I went into fashion auto-pilot and took a long look at her, before going to her closet. She had tons of very pretty dresses, but only one would do. There was a very nice one, of a very nice tan, almost a gold, a little darker then her skin. As an added bonus, there was not much of a hoop to this dress, and so the simplicity would leave room for extra accessories. I told her to try it on, and I was right. The color set off her skin, and now it was time for jewelry. I looked through what she had out, and it was all too gaudy. It was Maria-like jewels, so much to teach, so little time. I looked through her jewelry box, before finding the prefect necklace. It had a gold chain, and was a dark green emerald pendant. It was a large jewel, but was simple all the same. Matching dangly earrings, and all that was left was her hair. It needed to be stunning, but not too overpowering. I found a string of tiny pearls, and wove them into her hair before putting it up in a bun, and matching pearl combs kept all but two curls of stray hair from her face. I ran back to my room, and grabbed my juicy tube. It was the only thing that was in my pocket when I came back in time. It was clear, and the effect was amazing. I finally let her look at herself, and I think she liked it. She was speechless. I looked at her vanity. She had a dark colored pencil. I found it was an eye pencil. I did her eyes just around the lashes, giving them the effect that mascara would. My work here done, I grabbed Esperanza's hand, and dragged her next door to her room. After another long look, I got to work on her also.

Her skin was a little lighter, and so I liked more of the colors she had in her closet. I grabbed a nice blue. It looked like the electric blue paint on corvettes. It had a square neckline, and had larger skirts, but they were beautiful all the same. I grabbed a sapphire necklace, it was nice, two smaller sapphires on either side of a large one, on a silver chain. I left her hair down, because it was so sleek and curly. I found two sapphire and diamond combs that held her hair back. Some more lip gloss, and a little more eyeliner, and both of the older sisters were finished.

They wanted to help me prepare, so we made our way back to my room, and we decided on a gown so pale pink, it was almost white. I wore pearls loaned to me by Esperanza, and I put my hair in a bun, with two curls surrounding my face. With some eyeliner, and some gloss, I was ready to go. I was the simplest of the three of us, but I thought I looked good. When we met in the foyer to leave, Angela, Esperanza and I walked in together. The de Silva's seemed so proud of their daughters, and I was so happy for them. I hung back while they fawned over them, and just watched . But then, I was pulled into a corner by Jesse. He seemed happy to see me.

"You are so beautiful tonight, Querida."

"Well, I'm glad, because had you said something else, I would have had to been very violent. I may be wearing a skirt, but I can still kick your ass, Jesse."

"I know. But I am not lying to avoid pain. It is the truth. You are so beautiful, querida, inside and out. I know that you are responsible for the way my sisters look tonight, but you let them bask in the pride of my parents without saying anything. I know without you they would look like Maria- what do you call them?-clones. I just want to thank you for showing my sisters that they are beautiful even without gaudy jewels or poofy dresses, as you like to call them. You have no idea what you have done for them, but it is worth more than my life to see them so happy. You have shown them that there is beauty within, as well, and you do not have to change yourself to make that beauty shine through." (_DO YOU HEAR THIS ALLI???? HUH? HUH? YOU KNOW I'M TALKING TO YOU!!!!!!!!!! Excuse me, on with the story…)_

"Aaawww. No wonder your sisters love you so much. But, thank you. I think we should go out, before people get suspicious, Jesse." And so Jesse and I went and regrouped with the rest of the de Silva's. I was told I looked lovely, but all eyes were still on Esperanza and Angela, but that was fine with me. We went to the Prescott's, and I found out where Kelly got her gaudiness from. Her relatives seemed exactly the same way. And they obviously liked snubbing me just as much as she did. They looked down their noses at me, just like the Bingley sisters in Pride and Prejudice. And it seemed that one of the Prescott's had the same liking for my Mr. Darcy as Caroline Bingley did. And then when Jesse introduced me as the special guest of their family, and as a special friend of his, she just smiled at me, and walked away. I found this extremely funny, and told Jesse so, and he shared a little laugh with me, before I was accosted by Esperanza again.

"Susannah! Look! Look at all those poor girls who must be suffering from such sore necks and backs from having to support their necklaces and skirts. I realize what you said now, and I am so glad you came to us!" Laughingly, Jesse mouthed 'I told you they liked you' over his sisters head, and I walked off with Esperanza, like sisters, almost, over to the refreshment table.

But, no matter how much the de Silva's tried to get people to talk to me, for the first half of the night, no one would talk to me, until something miraculous happened. During one of the dances, which Jesse was guiding me through, who should walk over to us but Maria de Silva. She stalked over, pushed me out of the way, and slapped Jesse hard across the face. "HOW DARE YOU PUT FELIX IN JAIL!!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST DIED LIKE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO, AND LEFT US IN PEACE!!!" There was a shocked silence after that announcement. Until Jesse calmly replied, "I'm sorry I caused you such discomfort by living, but you cannot blame the fact that I am breathing today all on me. You see, my dancing partner, who you just happened to have pushed to the floor, was really the one who saved me. So you also have to blame her for the disservice." But, that did not create the reaction Jesse was counting on, as Maria launched herself at me. But, thankfully, my mediator reflexes allowed me to dodge her, sending her flying into the table that was laden with the punch bowl and other foods. And so, a food covered Maria de Silva was carried away by servants but not before I got to tell her that marrying your own cousin is almost as nasty as the way she looked just then. It was great. Not as good as repeatedly slamming her face into the ground, but pretty good. And so for the rest of the night, I was not avoided, but people began to talk to me, and I was able to introduce Angela and Esperanza, into two fine men, who seemed to think them very beautiful. And so, after a very eventful night, it was time to go home, and go to bed.

I could tell

From the minute I woke up

It was gunna be a

Lonely, lonely, lonely day

Rise and shine

Rub the sleep out of my eyes

And try to tell myself

I can't go back to bed

It was gunna be a

Lonely, lonely, lonely day

Even though the sun is

Shining down on me

And I should feel about

As happy as can be

I just got here and

I already want to leave

It's gunna be a

Lonely, lonely, lonely day

It's gunna be a

Lonely, lonely, lonely day

Everybody knows that

Something's wrong

But nobody knows

What's going on

We all sing the

Same old song

When you want

It all to go away

It's shaping up to

Be a lonely day

I could tell

From the minute I woke up

It was gunna be a

Lonely, lonely, lonely day

It was gunna be a

Lonely, lonely, lonely day

Everybody knows that

Something's wrong

But nobody knows

What's going on

We all sing the

Same old song

When you want

It all to go away

It's shaping up to

Be a lonely day

Lonely Day- Phantom Planet

No one's POV

Back in 2004, the Ackerman-Simon household woke up to a great big surprise. Brad was yelling up the stairs to his sister to 'get her ass up or they were leaving without her because they were going to be late.' When he finally lost his patience and went upstairs to get her up, he met a very big surprise. Suze's bed was made, no one was sleeping in it. The bathroom was empty too. "DAD!!!!!"

After calling CeeCee Webb, Adam McTavish, Father Dominic, and even Paul Slater, though Suze claimed to hate him, the family still had nothing. The two boys were excused from class for the day to try and find their sister. Mrs. Ackerman was having a mental breakdown, which is usually what happens when you find your only daughter has gone missing in the night. Was she hurt? Was she warm? Where is she? And finally, the hardest questions of all How? and Why?

Paul's POV

I should have told them.

I knew that when they called, but I just couldn't bring myself to say it. Whether it was because I knew they wouldn't believe me, or fear of Suze's wrath, I don't know. Maybe it was because I didn't want to worry them with some far out story, and have them question themselves about it over and over again.

I know what you're thinking. 'Paul is evil, he wouldn't care whether her family hurt or not.' But I'm not like that. Really, I'm not. I try so hard not to be an asshole around Suze, but I just act so weird around her. I really do like her, its not some case of lust, as she would have you believe. I might not love her, but I'm pretty damn close. Is it love when you would do anything to have that person beside you all of the time? When you would die for that person? When you would do anything to see them smile?

I guess I'm just so used to not having to work for people to like me. But Suze is the first person I ever really worried about their opinion of me. So, what should I have done when a crying Mrs. Ackerman called me, asking if I had seen Suze anytime that morning. I tried to sound surprised, and told her, no, I hadn't. Should I have felt like crap afterwards? Should I have called Father Dominic? What should I do??

DUN DUN DUN!!!!

And so the chapter ends. I would just like to take this time to thank everyone who Reviewed. It makes my day to open my mailbox and see that so many people liked my story.

And all of you who gave me song suggestions, I didn't ignore you. I just couldn't find a way to shape the story around those songs, but you might just see some songs you recognize later. I'm not making any promises. If you want to, send song suggestions with your reviews.

All I have to say is that you really should listen to Rooney, Phantom Planet, Straylight Run, Weezer, Sugarcult, Yellowcard, HelloGoodbye, Jet, Franz Ferdinand, Weezer, Gavin DeGraw, The Beatles, The Toadies, Tonic… and all that good schtuff! And Mitch Hedburg, too. Because, you know, great authors like Robtaymattlouned, listen to Rooney, and even name themselves after them.

And so, I leave you with this bit of holiday advice-

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer!


	5. are you gunna be my girl

Are You Gunna Be My Girl?

1…

2…

3…

Take my hand and come with me

Because you look so fine

That I really wanna make you mine

I said you look so fine

That I really wanna make you mine

4...

5…

6…

Come on and get your kicks

Now you don't need any money

When you look like THAT, do ya, honey?

Big black boots

Long brown hair

She's so sweet

With her 'get back' stare

Now, I could see

You home with me

But you were with another man

Yeah

I know we ain't got

Much to say

Before I let you

Get away, yeah

I said are you gunna be my girl?

Listen:

1…

2…

3…

Take my hand and come with me

Because you look so fine

That I really wanna make you mine

I said you look so fine

That I really wanna make you mine

4...

5…

6…

Come on and get your kicks

Now you don't need any money

With a face like THAT, do ya?

Big black boots

Long brown hair

She's so sweet

With her 'get back' stare

Well, I could see

You home with me

But you were with another man

Yeah

I know we ain't got

Much to say

Before I let you

Get away, yeah

I said are you gunna be my girl?

I could see

You home with me

But you were with another man

Yeah

I know we ain't got

Much to say

Before I let you

Get away, yeah

Be my girl?

Be MY girl?

ARE YOU GUNNA BE MY GIRL?

SUZE

I woke up the next morning, feeling like crap. NO. Not the 'I have a hangover I feel like crap' type of crap. The 'holy crap how could I just abandon my family like this?' crap. CRAP! I have to tell him. I have to tell him that I have to go home. I need my mother. I miss her. I even miss GASP Sleepy! (nobody could miss Dopey…) before I could even get out of bed, I heard knocking on my door.

"Uh, Susannah? Its me, Magdalena. There is a man here. He says he knows you. Would you like to meet with him?"

Who the hell could that be? Nobody knows I'm here except-

I'M SO GOING TO KILL HIM. HE IS SO DEAD. AND HE BETTER NOT BOTHER ME WHEN HES DEAD EITHER, BECAUSE, AS OF NOW, I DON'T LIKE DEAD PEOPLE. WHY CAN'T DEAD PEOPLE JUST LEVE ME-

"Susannah, are you awake?"

"Why don't you come in, Magdalena, I'm decent. Come in here and tell me who this mystery man is" although I already knew well and good who it was.

Magdalena joined my in my room, and while I was dressing myself behind the handy dandy screen in my room, she told me who it was.

"He says his name is Paul Slater. Do you want me to get Jesse to scare him off?"

"No, no. I'll talk to him. He's an old… friend." Friend my ass.

Halfway through my conversation with Magdalena, who should come running into the room looking livid but Jesse. He was swearing up a storm in Spanish and his scar was glowing. I guess he somehow found out.

Uh-oh…

Crap…

"Susannah? Why is HE here?"

I tried to act all innocent "Who, Jesse?"

"I think he means your friend, Paul. And Jesse, you shouldn't be in Susannah's room."

Curse you, Magdalena. Jesse looked even angrier than before, a feat in itself. He began to swear again. Then I think he realized that Magdalena was still there, and he looked ashamed.

"Magdalena, will you excuse us please? I need to talk to Susannah." Magdalena left, leaving me alone with a very angry Jesse.

FIE ON YOU MAGDALENA! I think I'm going to call her Maggie, now. Yes, Maggie. I hope she hates it.

"Why did you lie to me, Querida?' His face had visibly softened, and I had the courage to look him in the eyes.

"Because I didn't want you to know. Because I was going to go in there, and yell at him, and tell him to go home. Because I wanted you to be happy." At this point, I had begun to cry, and I think he realized there was something larger going on here.

"Querida, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

"Its nothing, Jesse. I'm okay, lets go talk to Paul."

And so, we made our way to the living room type thingy. I don't know the name of all those types of rooms, I just know they're rooms. And there was Paul. He obviously thought he was all smart to have worn 1850-ish clothes, from his smirk, but then he saw Jesse, and I felt like laughing.

"Well, hello, Suze, you look very nice."

Ugh, I thought I had gotten away from this crap.

"Don't you dare talk to her like that, Slater. You know you're not wanted here."

"Yeah, Rico Suave, I've picked up on that. But, the problem is, Suze is really wanted at home. Aren't you, Suze?"

Jesse

What was that bastardo talking about, and why did he have to come _here?_

Dios! How could I be so stupid? Susannah probably never told anyone where she was going, and now she's been gone for days. Her family must be worried sick. And she would have to miss her mother.

"Paul, just go. You can tell my parents whatever you want. Just… go."

"No, Slater. Don't go." Susannah tried to interrupt, but I stopped her. "No, Susannah. I cannot let you give your life away for me. You need to see your mother. You need to see your friends. I am not important enough for you to give all of that up. Go with Slater. He'll take you home. Just, go."

"No, Jesse, I told you before. I don't need my family, I don't need anything but you. I need you with me. Who'll protect me from Paul?" she tried to smile, but I could see the tears welling up in her eyes.

"Querida, mi amor. You saved my life, and I cannot begin to repay you for that. But I can let you go. You will not be happy here. You need your mother, she is still a large part of your life."

"What- What are you trying to say, Jesse?" Dios, the pain in her face made me want to die.

"What I'm trying to say, is that I am not worth what you are willing to sacrifice. You will be much happier at home. And I want you to be happy, even if it means breaking my heart in the process."

"I told you already, Jesse. I don't need anyone, and I don't want anyone but you!"

"I wish I could believe it, but when I saw you cry earlier today, I know it wasn't something trivial. You need this. You may not want to believe it, but if you stay here, you will die. Not physically, but emotionally. You well cease to be the girl I met that lonely day, and I could not bear to think it would be my fault." She was crying openly now, and I wished I could hold her, tell her everything will be alright, but it won't, it never will. "So please, Susannah, don't make me watch you be smothered by my family, my world. Go." I looked at Slater, clearly sending him a message of 'if you hurt her, I will haunt you forever, and make your life a living hell.' He just looked at Susannah, and put his hand on her elbow. When she didn't object, he began chanting. I had seconds left with the woman I loved, and all I could do was watch her disappear.

Doc:

As Susannah and Paul disappeared, a single tear trickled down Jesse's face, while he stood there, staring at the place where the woman he loved disappeared.

"HOLY CRAP!"

tear 'tis so sad! Poor Jesse, but he's like, the man that all women dream of, and then they meet a guy, and that idea gets thrown out the window.

And the littl'uns are psychic or some kind of crap like that. I don't know yet.

I'm so sorry it took so long, but I didn't know how I was going to finish the story without it being so completely Meg, because that's the way it was going. But, I know how I'm going to go on with the story, so, were all good. I just want to say, My Wave by SoundGarden is an awesome song, and you should all go listen to it, because it describes exactly how I feel…


	6. Crying

_Picking up the pieces of a life you've broken_

_Stitching it together with the seams wide open_

_You keep crying, crying, crying_

_Till you cannot see at all_

_You keep crying, crying, crying_

_Till you cannot breathe at all_

_What do you do when you're alone?_

_What do you do when no ones home?_

_What do you do when you're alone?_

_Outta control now, on your own_

_Never waking up, the alarm is broken_

_Running in a dream and its like slow motion_

_You keep crying, crying, crying_

_Till you cannot see at all_

_You keep crying, crying, crying_

_Till you cannot breathe at all_

_What do you do when you're alone?_

_What do you do when no ones home?_

_What do you do when you're alone?_

_Outta control now, on your own_

_Alone…_

_Alone…_

_Is there anyone out there?_

_Is there anyone?_

_All I need are the details_

_To find a way out_

_Is there anyone out there?_

_Is there anyone?_

_All I need are the details_

_And a map of you mind_

_You keep crying, crying, crying_

_Till you cannot see at all_

_You keep crying, crying, crying_

_Till you cannot breathe at all_

_What do you do when you're alone?_

_What do you do when no ones home?_

_What do you do when you're alone?_

_Outta control now, on your own_

_You can't break away from what you cannot change_

_You can't break away_

_You can't break away_

_You can't break away from what you cannot change_

_You can't break away_

_You can't break away_

_Crying- sugarcult_

I came out of that… portal thing and Paul tried to talk to me, but I just felt numb. So cold, I felt so many emotions, that I couldn't feel anything at all. The next few weeks were torture. Everything around me reminded me of him. My room, school, Spike, books, god, even my feet reminded me of him. I wanted so badly just to be able to hate him, but I couldn't. I loved him too much.

In the end, I had to thank him, because he taught me the most important lesson I had learned so far in my life- love sucks: It never works out, all it brings in the end is pain, so you had better just get all the pleasure from it you can, then leave before you get hurt. The old Susannah Simon died that day. I grew hard, and cold. I became a user and abuser, just so I wouldn't get used and abused myself.

Sure, I stayed friends with CeeCee and Adam. They were there forever. They were the only people I let my guard down around. I'm not sure of how much they approved of what I did, but they knew not to mess with me. I was still a Kickboxing Queen, and they knew it. Not that I would _ever_ hurt them, I maybe just warned them with empty threats a couple of times, mostly Adam. Well, all of them were directed towards Adam, but you get the point.

Brad got a couple of bruises too. Hey! He was the one who brought up the 'guy I sneaked into my room at night' so he was asking for it just for making the slightest _reference _to Jesse.

I became a bitch. God, I was a bigger bitch then Kelly and Debbie. I went through guys like tissues. This is a funny way to put it, because in a way, they became like tissues for me. When I was with other people, I almost, _almost_ forgot about him. So, these guys stemmed my tears, like a tissue.

New guys came and went. I had a speech. I knew the timing behind everything. When that good feeling of being with somebody new wore off, they had to go. I never got a _reputation_ because I made it clear to every guy who came close to me they weren't getting _any_. Nope, they weren't getting close enough mentally for me to open up like that. I went through most of the guys in my school. But there was one I would never touch, not even with a pole as long as that row of doors in the shadowland. He did this all. He made me feel like crap. He brought this pain. He brought my suffering. I hope to god or whoever the big guy up there is that he hurt like _hell_ too.

And it takes more time

Than I've ever had

Drains the life from me

Makes me want to forget

As young as I was

I felt older back then

More disciplined

Stronger and certain

But I was scared to death of eternity

I was saved by grace

But destroyed by naivety

And I lied

To myself

And said it was for the best

And now faith is replaced

With a logic so cold

I've disregarded what I was

Now that I'm older

And I know much more

Than I did back then

But the more I learn

The more I can't understand

And I've become content

With this life that I lead

Where I drink too much

And don't believe

In much of anything

And I lie to myself

And say it's for the best

Were moving forward

But holding ourselves back

And were waiting on something

That'll never come

"It's for the best" – Straylight Run

_why? _(Why does that question always seem to pop up whenever Susannah and I part ways?)

That was the question that kept running through my head after they left. Why did I tell her to go? Why did she leave? Why didn't I try to stop this all? Why didn't I go with them?

It had been years since I had seen my _Querida_. I missed her so much.

One day, a traveling bruja came through our town. Everyone claimed that she could see into the future. I decided I could try, if it worked, it worked, if it didn't……

When I got to her stall, it was completely empty. "Aaaahhh. I have been waiting for you. Come, come, look."

" Sorry, I do not think that we have met, señorita …"

"Zara."

"Señorita Zara. I do not think that we have met before."

"You do not know who I am, but I know who you are, and who you are coming to ask me about. Do you not want to see her?" I was amazed, did she really know about Susannah? Or was she just playing some cruel game? "Come, come look…" she took out what had to have been some sort of crystal ball, and I looked in at the picture inside it.

It was Susannah, she looked so beautiful, but so sad. I saw her, crying for days. Crying her heart out. Then, I saw her with her friends, with… boys. She looked happy, but when she was alone, she cried and cried. I didn't want to see this. I didn't want to see her so sad. Why had I come?

That same question… Why?

**Suze**

Tonight I was going out with the "flame" of the moment. Mike Stone. You could tell by the name he's not the most _stimulating_ company in the world, but he was sweet. Which is kinda sad, because I was breaking up with him.

I am such a bitch.

And I love it. Seriously, someone should buy me one of those lame key-chains that say "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing." I've so earned it.

So tonight, I don't know what the plans were, but I knew it wasn't going to end well. So, I just went with a good breaking up outfit; one so that his last memories aren't how I dumped him, but how good I looked while dumping him. So he'll always remember what he lost. Heh. Cute make-my-butt-look-good jeans, really cute heels that make my legs look even longer, and my red lingerie tank.

I'm so bad.

You know, I kinda wish Paul would see me tonight. See the bitch he turned me into. Make him wish to god he could go back in time and fix everything.

Oh wait, he can. So why the hell is everything still so completely fucked up? Maybe it's because we're talking about Paul, he prances around with glee when things get fucked up. That's what he's here for.

Not to prance. No, definitely not to prance. To fuck things up.

Ooh. The doorbell. Showtime.

I came downstairs, and saw Andy talking to Mike. On my way over, Dopey called me a bitch. It wasn't the comment that made me punch him; it was the fact that I could just hear Jesse in my head, telling Dopey about how you "shouldn't use such vulgar language in front of a lady." THAT'S what made me punch Dopey. It always comes down to Jesse. And now, I was dreading my date, because I could just imagine Jesse's disappointment in me.

I walked over to Mike and gave him a peck on the cheek. I grabbed his hand and we walked over to his car. "So. Where're we going?"

"I thought we could go down to the carnival by the pier."

"Yeah, sure, that's cool."

So we get in the car, and start to drive towards the pier. I have to say, I do appreciate his choice of music. Very fitting, most of it Cali rock. That's good. Sad, because I would've loved to burn some of his CDs.

Make COPIES, people. COPIES!

"Lonely Day" by Phantom Planet is on, and it suits the situation so well. (A/N: listening to that song right now. Teehee! sigh I heart Phantom Planet….) It makes me so sad. I wish I didn't have to end this, just because I'm not feeling up to it right now, but I know I have to.

We just drove up to the pier, and I'm not really in a very fun, carnival-y mood. But, if making Mike happy will make this all easier, I'm willing. There's not really anything here that I wouldn't want to do on a regular day. I guess a rush of adrenaline will get me going. So, let me just find the fastest roller coaster here….

"Hey, Mike. Wanna go one that one?" 'That one' was the biggest, fastest, scariest, most intestine emptying roller coaster I have ever seen. Sounds like fun. A HELL of a lot of fun.

Mike looked a little scared but said "Yeah, I guess" in the end. Score.

The lone isn't that long, so I guess that means it scares the shit out of everyone else here. Bonus! I make mike get into the front car with me. I love the front cars, because you can see everything coming right at you. Also, kind of because we were the only people on the ride and I didn't want to look stupid. Oh well…

This ride kicks ASS! We have to be going at least 90 mph (A/N: Personally, I hate roller coasters, so I don't know what's fast in coaster standards, but, bear with me) and I'm loving every minute of it!

Ok, so we got off, but Mike's looking kind of green. So I offer to wait for him while he went into the bathroom Cough topuke cough god, he's a wuss. I look around at the other places to go around here, and I felt this really weird pull towards this weird tent. When I finally make out what the sign says, I go cold. "Psychic." The last time I went to a psychic, she told me all of this bullshit about how I would find my one true love.

"Suze! Where do you wanna go now?" Mike's back, and now I have a reason to leave and forget about the weird tent from hell, but the words just spill out of my mouth.

"Let's go to the psychic." Wait! What? No, no, no, no, no, NO! I do not want to go to the psychic, but Mikey here thinks it's a great idea. So he just grabs my hand and starts pulling me towards that tent and I just want to dig my heels into the ground, but I don't want to ruin my shoes and so I just follow him. Dammit! I've started rambling again.

"Here, Suze, you can go in first." And he holds the curtain open for me. It's so dark, I can't see anything, but as my eyes begin to adjust, I hear a voice I never wanted to hear again.

"Hello, dear. Come, come, I've been waiting for you to come." It's Madame Zara, that kook who told me about 'love' the first time.

"What do you want? I don't want to hear what you have to say, I don't care, all you've ever brought me was pain, and I just want to go."

"But, dear, don't you want to see him. See how he has done without you?"

"I don't want to see him without me. Because he is probably very happy, and has 3.5 kids and doesn't even remember me."

"Oh. He remembers you. I assure you that. Just come look." She held out a chair, and what else could I do? I sat. I looked into her little crystal ball thingie, and saw him. He was a little older, probably 30. He wasn't married, I could tell from his lack of ring. But, he was still working on that ranch. One of the horses he was caring for got scared and started kicking and bucking.

"Oh my god! Jesse!" but he couldn't hear me. He got hit in the head, and I could see blood spill as he fell to the ground. Other farm hands came to help, but Jesse didn't get up. He never got up. I felt something wet on my face and realized I was crying. I don't cry. I'm Suze! The unfeeling bitch who doesn't cry, doesn't feel.

I stumbled out the tent, and looked around to see Mike staring at me.

"So, who's Jesse? Huh? What did she tell you?"

"He's just an old friend. She told me he was hurt."

"How can you lie so openly to me, Suze? What's going on? Why can't you tell me?"

"And why can't you trust me? You know what? I don't have to deal with this shit. I'm done, Bye." And I just walked away.

That wasn't as hard as I thought it would be….

I walk home. I can't feel my feet, I just keep on walking. My god, he's dead. I know its 2005, and he should rightly be dead, but it never felt so real. Even when he was a ghost he felt so alive. And now, he's _dead_.

Monday morning came all too quickly. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to face Paul or Mike. Paul will just laugh at me; Mike will probably say I'm a slut. **_Fun_**.

I get to school, and I fall into my seat in homeroom. Adam and CeeCee look at me questioningly, but I don't pay any attention. I've just died all over again, and they expect me to be all 'Hi! How was your weekend? Mine was great. I just saw Jesse, the only guy I've ever loved, get stomped on and killed by a raging horse, but that's ok, I'm completely fine.'? Yeah, not gunna happen…

I walk numbly from class to class. And finally, its lunch time. This is a good, and a bad, thing. Because I get to relax, but CeeCee and Adam wont leave me alone 'til they get some answers.

All around the courtyard where we usually eat, there's an excited chatter. I brush it off as people exchanging weekend stories. You know, how many times they got drunk, how bad their puke smelled, popular people stuff. Gee, I _so_ wish I was part of the in crowd. Not.

Adam plops into the seat next to me, bringing me out of my death plots. "So, Suze, while you are looking mighty fine today- ow, Cee! That hurt!- you seem to be a little upset. Is there anything I can do? You know, back rubs, snuggling, anything to take your mind off whatever it is? OW, Cee, that HURTS!"

"Thanks, Adam, but I don't think you can make me feel better. I think CeeCee is doing better in the 'Cheer up Suze' department."

"That hurts, Suze. You cut me deep. But, I may be able to forgive you if you just- mghmhm." CeeCee had covered his mouth to keep him from telling me how to reconcile myself with him.

"Thanks, Cee. But I kinda don't want to talk about it."

"Yeah, I know, but I just thought you might like to know. Mike's been going around and calling you a 'backstabbing, cheating slut'."

"Thanks, I'll be right back." I found Mike. As usual, he was sitting with my brother, being a Jerk. Brad saw me coming over, with my 'I'm going to kill you' face, and looked pretty scared. Good, maybe he won't screw with my friends and me anymore. Hmm… "So, Mike. I've heard through the grapevine that you've been saying some thing about me to your little friends." Dopey looked relieved that I wasn't here to punch him, and sniggered and told Mike he was 'so dead, dude'. "I take your silence as a yes, and my stepbrothers comment as one, too. So, that leaves only one thing left in our conversation." I was bringing my fist back- I really wanted to make this one hurt- when someone grabbed my arm.

"I'm sorry, but even though I've only been here for a day, I know that fighting isn't a good idea at this school." I know that voice. I know that hand. The one with all the calluses, the ones that feel so rough but are so gentle at the same time. "Don't get a detention because of words, Querida."

DunDunDUN! I think we all know who it is… and we all wish that guy were at our school, too. le sigh

Today is a sad day, because the Pope is dead. And so is Mitch Hedburg. If you've ever read any of my fics, (all two of them, I'm a regular Meg Cabot) you know how much I loved his comedy. If you've never heard him, go buy one of his CD's, if you have listen to him in his honor, because he was a very funny, funny man.

Well, please review, although I won't beg and plead, because if you really wanted to review, you would. Although reviews make me happy, and when I'm happy, my fingers move faster…


	7. Candlewax

Well… I'd like to take a moment to apologize for my lateness, and explain… AP Stat. That is all you need to know… If you are contemplating taking it, don't… it's a bitch…

Anyways, I hope that this was worth the wait… and if you want to know about the other crazy reasons I don't update, just check my blurty: with If You Could Only See…

Well, I know it wont be the same without the lyrics, but I've heard stories of ppls fics being deleted because of them… so heres the song for today, look up the lyrics if you want.. or, even better listen to it! Its an awesome song!

Candlewax- Phantom planet

Suze

I felt that hand, the hand of the person I was pretty sure I couldn't stop thinking about. And I turned around slowly, just to make sure this was all real… that this could really be happening.

And I looked up into that face, the face that haunted all my dreams, and I realized that this was real. And I wanted to cry, and I wanted to laugh and I wanted to slap him and I wanted to scream and dance and just… explode.

And I smiled. I fought back tears, and all I could get out was a stupid, pathetic, watery "hi." But he smiled too, and wanted to leap for joy. It was the same smile, it was the same _him_ down to the scar in his eyebrow.

"Hi. I'm Hector De Silva, but you can just call me Jesse." Oh, dear lord, please say he remembered me. He has to remember me. I couldn't live if he didn't remember me.

Jesse

I walked into the courtyard on the first day of school, feeling oddly at home. I don't know what it was, but I knew where and what everything was. I saw a girl get up from her seat and walk over to a young man, who seemed quite frightened of her. I wonder what that is about. I don't know why, but I couldn't take my eyes off of her.

I watched as she talked to the boy, and was angered. I seemed to know what was happening, and the next thing I knew, I was walking over, 'saving' her from detention. And I don't know why, but I called her querida.

Then, when she turned around I looked into her eyes, and I knew I had seen her before, but where?

Suze

He didn't recognize me, I knew it. His eyes no longer held the sparkle they held when he saw me. Sure, he called me querida, but he seemed just as confused as I was. Why was he here, if he wasn't Jesse reincarnated?

This was too much. I can't take this much in a single day. There was only one place I knew to go, and so I excused myself and ran to the main office. "Father D! Tell me as much as you can about the new kid. Hector what's-his-bucket…" (a/n: Hehe! Bucket)

"Well, Susannah, I can tell you this much. He comes from south California, where his father owns a ranch. He came up here to stay with his cousin Maria. Also, he happens to be a mediator, like you and I."

Well, doesn't that all sound familiar… all of his past is the same, except now he's a mediator, not a ghost. Hmm. I'm liking the heartbeat part of this…

I know its really short, and I feel horrible, but I wanted to get this out to make all of my fans (?) happy. I feel so awesome to know someone likes my writing! AND ! I'm gunna be a godmother.. so happy to me… AND my sister is 20 today!


	8. Can't Take It Anymore

Can't Take It Anymore

By Phantom Planet (can you tell who my fave band is?)

Well, I hope this chapter was worth the wait.

So, with Jesse's newfound heartbeat (I know its not new, it just was to me), he became an instant "celebrity." He was now the most sought out guy at JSMS, knocking Paul off his pedestal. Which didn't really suit him, but well, you know how I feel about all things concerning him.

One day, before lunch, I had to run into the ladies before going to eat. There, I heard the most horrible things I have ever heard in my entire life. And the carvings on the walls of the bathroom stall I was in didn't help either. All of the "I 3 Jesse"s and the "DM + JDS 4eva" already made me want to puke, but hearing Kelly Prescott and her D and G Nazis talk about Jesse, mainly certain parts of his anatomy, really sent me over the edge. Sure, every time _I_ saw the guy I wanted to jump his bones, but he's _my_ Jesse, I knew him when he was DEAD!

Ok, I know that sounded weird…. But it's true! Sooooo, you can just put that straight jacket down and start backing away.

So, here is the god awful truth about that day, sadly unabridged:

Kelly: oh my god. Did you see his ass today? Its so upsetting they don't let guys wear jeans to school..

RDGN(random D+G nazi): I know.

Kelly: I mean, I know my grades would so go up if just de Hottie could wear them. Let's just hope he doesn't go crazy like Slater and start following that freak Simon around.

RDGN: I know, that was just such a waste-

Kelly: Cuz even though I got with him in the end, he, like, still always looked at her when she passed. God, I wish some guys would leave it in the cage.

Maybe not Jesse, but I mean I wont mind, cuz we all know he's gunna be with me.

Thankfully, they chose to leave then, and so I could barf. Well, I didn't, but I wanted to. Then, I went into the courtyard and sat down with Adam and Cee. Of course, Kelly and her bunch of lemurs was already surrounding Jesse, fighting for his attention. But, suddenly I realized there was a god, and he seemed to want to repay me for the whole mediator thing. Because at that point, He walked over to our bench.

"Uh, Susannah? Would you mind talking for a minute? In, um, private?" At that point Adam had to slap Cee Cee on the back to stop her from choking on her corndog.

"S-sure." And so, I followed him inside, at which point he went into one of the empty classrooms, and sat on a desk. I leaned on one across from him, and waited.

"Susannah, the, um, Padre told me about the gift you and I seem to share in common. And he, uh, asked me to, um, try and talk to you about it, seeing how well you did with Slater's brother, because before I came here, I, uh, didn't have much luck with the poor souls who I dealt with. That's how I got my scar. That's why I came out here to stay with Maria, no matter how much I may not, enjoy her company. So, um, would you mind if sometimes, we, uh, got together and talked about, uh, mediating experiences?"

Jesse

Asking her, talking to her even, was hard. Not that I didn't enjoy talking to her, I really did. It was just like, like I already knew her, and so much had already happened between us. It was like every time I saw her, I just wanted to hold her in my arms, just to know what it felt like. But, at the same time, I felt I already knew. When she said that one word that made my day _"sure"_ I felt like jumping for joy. Instead I just said a silly "Thank you, querida." Then, all I could think of was, what if she knew what it meant? Would she never talk to me again because she thinks I'm some weird freak? Nombre de Dios, I hope not.

So, we set up a day to get together (tomorrow, gracias, dios, gracias!) and I counted down the hours 'til I got to be alone with her.

Suze

The next day, the big day, I got to be alone with Jesse, I got up early, just to make sure I looked my best. We were going to the coffee clutch, just to sit and talk. So, I wore this really great blue strapless peasant dress that my mom had gotten years ago on her honeymoon I Jamaica with my dad. It had embroidered flowers and hummingbirds on it, and had this really great empire waist. Plus, if I twirled, the skirt went everywhere. YAY! (I have this dress, its so cool, I lurve it!) I wore this great hot pink cardigan with it, and got 'made up' and was ready to go. I put the most perfect accessory of all time, my sunglasses, in my hair, holding it back, and was ready to go.

I don't really remember that much from that day, just that I really wanted school to end (more than usual) so I could go and get coffee with Jesse.

After my daily torture was finished, I waited out in the parking lot for Jesse. He came out, and we walked over to his car, which, I will add was so much better than Paul's. He had an electric blue corvette convertible with a cream top and cream leather interior. (My dream car) All I can say is, damn, I'd just date him for the car.

As we got in, Jesse told me I'd have to direct him, as he was new.

"Oh, just go on a couple of midnight bike rides, and you'll find out where everything is fast enough."

"What?" Did I just say that?

"Mediator stuff."

"Padre said you had some unorthodox methods, but I couldn't see myself getting up at midnight just for a ghost."

"I'll tell you all my great ghost busting stories once we have coffee."

So, we got to the Coffee Clutch, and I ordered my frozen chocolate coffee, and he ordered his cup of black coffee, I started talking.

"Ok, so on my first day at the mission, Fr. Dom was showing me to my locker, when I noticed this girl in front of it. Basically, she called me a bitch, so I punched her, so she got kinda mad at me." I told him the rest of the story, leaving him out of it, until it was over. Then, we traded stories for a couple of hours, and I gave him a couple of my tricks of the trade, until he asked me a surprising question.

"Uh, Susannah, have you ever had any, um, dreams, as a mediator?"

When I told him I hadn't, he gave me the surprise of a lifetime.

"Well, Susannah, I've been having dreams ever since I came here. For a while they were in some old place, but now, now you're in them, and its like watching a movie, and I saw all of the stories you've told me, only I'm in them. And, well, I'm _glowing_ like a ghost."

DUNDUNDUN!

Big cliffie. So he does remember her, in a way.

My sister came back from France last night. YAY! On Thursday I turn 17, and can go see R movies 'legally'.

I'll try to update soon, because I know I've been horrible. I'm sorry. I took my exams, and then I had to be a counselor at Christ camp, and then I went to driving school, and then I went to the beach, and then I came back and started driving a shitload and then I found out I only got a 3 on my ap test, and I was all sad, and didn't feel like writing. But, now that my sis is back, I feel like it, so you can thank her…


	9. You're All I Have

Haha, it's been a little more than a year since I last updated…. Sorry, it was my senior year, and I was really busy. Plus I really had no idea where I wanted to go with this story.

But I'm back, and I promise to be better with my updates…. So, without any further ado, Chapter 9 of 'If You Could Only See'!

_Strain this chaos turn it into light  
I've got to see you one last night   
Before the lions take their share  
Leave us in pieces, scattered everywhere_

Just give me a chance to hold on  
Give me a chance to hold on  
Give me a chance to hold on  
Just give me something to hold onto

It's so clear now that you are all that I have  
I have no fear cos you are all that I have  
It's so clear now that you are all that I have  
I have no fear cos you are all that I have

You're cinematic razor sharp  
A welcome arrow through the heart  
Under your skin feels like home   
Electric shocks on aching bones

Give me a chance to hold on  
Give me a chance to hold on  
Give me a chance to hold on   
Just give me something to hold onto

It's so clear now that you are all that I have  
I have no fear cos you are all that I have  
It's so clear now that you are all that I have  
I have no fear cos you are all that I have

There is a darkness deep in you  
A frightening magic I cling to

Give me a chance to hold on  
Give me a chance to hold on  
Give me a chance to hold on  
Just give me something to hold onto

It's so clear now that you are all that I have  
I have no fear now you are all that I have  
It's so clear now that you are all that I have  
I have no fear now you are all that I have

You're All I Have

Snow Patrol

Suze

So, wait.

Rewind and _FREEZE_!

He's been dreaming about me? Dreaming about our past….

WAIT!

DOES THAT MEAN HE REMEMBERS ME?

I must have looked pretty weird while all this was going on in my head, which is why I suppose Jesse took that opportunity to ask me what I thought of these dreams.

Jesse

She seemed to be having some sort of inner battle when I told her about my dreams. Suddenly, though, she broke out in a huge grin. What could all this mean?

"Susannah, do you know anything about these dreams? What they mean?"

And it was that question that led to the biggest shock of my life.

Suze

How should I go about this? Just tell him everything? No, that would just scare him off. Why does my brain choose now to fail me? But thankfully, at that moment, my lead in walked right through the door of the Coffee Clutch. And my caffeine loving savior was….. Paul Slater.

"Looking good, Suze-as always. Does this little mediator pow-wow have room for one more?" Paul stood right behind me, playing with the ends of my hair, smirking at Jesse as her said this. And this is how I knew the way to explain it all to Jesse.

"Actually, Paul, this is a private lesson, so if you wouldn't mind, it would be helpful if you got going."

"Ouch, Suze. That's harsh. But, I have a hot date to get to, anyways." As he turned to leave, he bent down to whisper in my ear "He'll never remember, Suze, let it go." I couldn't help but smirk at that. Jesse already was remembering. But, back to the whole dream thing.

"Jesse? What do you think of Paul Slater?" And I got just the answer I was looking for.

"I hate him. I don't know why, I hardly even know him. But I do."

"Well, Jesse, what if I could tell you why?" So, this is how it came to be that Monday we walked into the mission together, hand in hand.

Jesse

Wait. I'm so confused. Let's recap.

I used to be dead

I haunted Susannah's bedroom

She loved me

I loved her

so much so that I went back in time to give her a normal life

and she followed me back

then Paul followed her

then I sent her back to present day Carmel

and I died in 1850

and my reincarnated spirit is here in present day Carmel, and meeting Susannah triggered dreams that are actually memories from another life… well, afterlife….

Dios. I sure have been busy. But, everything Susannah has told me, I've seen in my dreams. Everything. Being a ghost, going back in time, how I died. Madame Zara. The weeks before I came to Carmel, and Susannah was mourning my death.

Although I hate to sound like Keanu Reeves, but

WHOAH.

Throughout all of the confusion, this whole experience has proven to be entertaining. Monday morning, when we arrived at school, the entire student body could only stare. The girls who I could only assume were the D&G Nazis that Susannah had told me about would not stop staring at us. But the hilarious thing was the way their stares changed from loathing to admiration, lust and 'come hither'.

But no one could have expected the way the days events could have turned for the worse.

Suze

School was fine, lovely even, until lunch… Jesse didn't have the same period as me, so we decided to meet in the breezeway, and then go to lunch together. I just didn't expect Paul.

While I was waiting for Jesse by my locker, Paul decided to have another go at luring me into his trap of lies and Paul ickiness. So, he leaned up against the pillar I was standing by and, pulling his signature move, blocked me in between his arms. He was so busy laying on the same old lines, that he didn't even notice I wasn't listening. Or, so I thought. But it became clear how far he would go to get my attention when he began nuzzling my neck. Trying to squirm away, I spotted something that both elated and terrified me….

Jesse…

J-Man

I looked for Susannah in the hallway, and was face to face with the worse sight I had ever seen in my life.

Paul

And Susannah..

He was blocking her in, trying to kiss her neck while whispering things to her-probably to make her go out with him. And she was trying her best to get away. Images flashed through my mind- images that seemed like memories, but I knew I had never lived through. All similar situations-Paul trying to kiss Susannah while she fought him off.

And they incensed me.

Incensed me to the point that I cannot even begin to defend my actions.

I say I had a rage blackout. But I remember everything I did clearly, and sometimes, I even enjoyed myself, loathe as I am to say it.  
No matter my excuse, the next thing I knew I had pulled him off her and slammed him against a wall of lockers. "I thought I told you to take care of her! I thought I told you to make sure she was loved, that she was happy!" I yelled at him… and then I hit him. Oh, did I hit him… Over and over again. In my signature move, as I have come to remember, I broke his nose. But I also got him in the stomach, the face, everywhere. I didn't see anything but him, and the only thing I could think of was inflicting more pain on this…. This…. Thing.

Finally, I stopped. I looked down at _him_ and I couldn't even begin to comprehend what had happened. But, all I know is what I said "Stay the **_HELL AWAY_** from Susannah. Don't talk to her, don't look at her, don't send her anything, don't do anything." And then I turned away, drew Susannah into a hug, and said "Susannah, mi querida, lets go."

Well, I hope that that chapter was ok for you…. It took a bit to get back into the swing of writing it. I hope it was even worth the wait a little bit. Thanks to my loverly readers, I love you all…..

Liz

(If it wasn't for my Horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college)


	10. Na Na Hey Hey

_Hey there, jeez, I'm updating quick, eh? Well, I found out that updating is good lick for me… Once I updated last time, I got an email saying that Lolly and Hayley had updated F L A S H L I G H T…. But, considering it was the last chapter, maybe it wasn't such good luck…. _

_Well, I'm writing this on my new computer, and I have to say it is quite awesome…. Love ya, hope this is up to your standards…_

_So, here it is! The next chapter in "If You Could Only See"_

_**Na Na Hey Hey (Kiss Him Goodbye)**_

**Paul POV**

It broke my heart.

I know you don't think I HAVE a heart. But I do, and it belongs to Suze. But now she belongs to De Sucky. No, that's the wrong choice of words. Suze isn't some prize to be won, something to be kept. A large part of her allure is her freedom, her independence. No one could keep her down.

I sound like such a sap. But it's true. I'm just not good at expressing my feelings. Hence, my fallback, the attacking and the kissing. I was mulling this over when that old song came on… you know, the 'Kiss Him Goodbye' song. God, did that fit my thoughts to a tee. I may be one hell of a shifter, but I can't decide what gets played on the radio… but, I have to say, I couldn't have picked a better song myself. I found myself humming along, getting into it. Well, lets just say it would be embarrassing if anyone came in right-

"Knock Knock." Crap. I knew that voice. And it was the last person I would want to see me getting into some oldie crap… eventhoughimightlikeit….

"Sorry to bother you from your rock star delusions, but I came to apologize. I can't tell you how sorry I am for what Jesse did to you, even though you may have deserved it. I don't need him to fight my battles, but he obviously needs _me_ to apologize, so, on behalf of him, I'm sorry."

"Suze, no. He was right. In those last moments, I knew what he wanted from me. And I didn't watch after you like he asked. I let you be hurt, over and over again. These last few weeks have been my fault. And anyways, I doubt the pain that was inflicted upon me today was even half of what you just went through, so don't be sorry. Sometimes I need a good beating to make me realize these things."

She laughed. Her laughter made me feel like my life's work was done, every time I heard it. It made me believe there was a god. It was…. Cough…. On with the story, can't look like too much of a nice guy, Paul, you have a reputation to maintain…

But yeah. I liked it when she laughed. It was nice. I felt good… let's keep moving…

"So, was there any other reason for you coming than to apologize? And, of course, to scam on my hot bod? You know you like it, Simon…"

"Not really anything else… I think witnessing you dancing around your room to Steam will tide me over for a while, I think. Well, if we're done here, I think I'll go home."

"You need a ride?"

"Sure. I remember what happened the last time I tried to walk home from your house."

I winced at the memory. God, why was I such a jackass sometimes? "Okay, cool. I promise I will not do anything to you. Hands to myself. Scouts honor…" I held up two fingers on my right hand to make the scout salute. She just laughed. Today was my lucky day.

We drove in amiable silence, listening to the radio. When I pulled onto Pine Crest road, I was met with a sight that enraged and frightened me at the same time.

Crap.

**Jesse**

Susannah's mother told me that she was out. But I didn't expect to see her drive up with him. What was she doing with him? And why did she seem so happy? I thought she hated him. She was supposed to hate him.

But then she saw me, and my whole mood changed. She smiled that special smile that seemed to be just for me when I saw it. And she seemed genuinely happy to see me. All was forgotten.

Until she leant over and gave him a hug. I know it was just a goodbye hug, and I shouldn't be jealous. She liked me. And yet, I was angry. But letting her see me like that would not be good. So I just walked up to the car, and opened the door. She gave me a hug in welcome, and a peck on the cheek, and I couldn't help but smirk at Paul. "So, Querida, where have you been? Your mother said you had something to do?"

"Oh, well, I went to apologize to Paul here, because you seemed so incapable of doing so. But it seemed it wasn't needed. You see, Paul here said that there was no one to blame but him. He seemed to be under the impression that you had every right to sock him one, or two, or I guess even three."

Dios. I didn't know what to make of it. Should I believe Slater, or not? I haven't had many personal dealings with him, but I do know some of the things that have happened. So I was a little skeptical. But his response seemed to have made Susannah happy, and at the moment, that's all that mattered to me. "Susannah, I was here to speak to you, I have some news that I wanted to share with you." Thankfully, Slater didn't need any one to say anything more. He said his goodbyes, and drove away. "Well, where would be the most convenient place to talk?" She gestured to the backyard, where we sat on the deck.

"So, Jesse, what's up? I hope nothing's wrong." How was I supposed to begin telling her? I suppose the truth is the best way, and to just get it over with…

"Well, Susannah, the truth is, I will be having a house guest this year. I was only informed of this today. If I had known, I would have told you sooner. But she is already on her way here, and I thought you could use a heads up."

"Wait! Hold up! Did you say she? What are you going to say next, that this she is Maria?" She must have seen the look on my face when she said this, because the next thing she said was "Oh, no, Jesse. She can't be! She's your cousin! That's just wrong!"

"Well, she's technically my cousin this time around. More like a good friend of the family. But the intentions our family have for our relationship are the same. I suppose that's the reason for her visit. But, she is going to be here for a whole year. And I thought you would want to prepare yourself for her. Though I must say that she is the same as the Maria you know. Very much a drama queen. She could give Kelly Prescott a run for her money. I am so sorry, Querida. I never meant for this to happen."

**Suze**

Well, I couldn't really be mad at him, could I? I guess I'll just have to break out my fighting gloves. No one is going to take Jesse away from me again. So I told him I understood, and that I knew he didn't mean for this to happen. And then we spent the rest of the day together, talking and laughing. What I didn't expect was Monday…

_So, there you go. I'm not quite sure, but I think that that was the longest chapter I've written so far. I hope you enjoy it, and that I get more reviews than the four I got on the last chapter. But to you people who wrote me reviews, I love you all so much!_

_Here's a hint for what's coming up next. I do believe that the song next time will be "Don't Mess With My Man"_

_It should be fun…_


End file.
